Mother’s Day Without A Mother

10 05 2008

There is always a time around Mother’s Day that Homer and I hit what I tend to call “the angries.”

It comes out of nowhere and is always a surprise. One of us, either her or myself, will recognize that we are pissed off collectively because there is no mother here.

And on another note, something you may not know, is Homer was born on Mother’s Day. This year, her birthday is Monday but youngest niece Bear’s is tomorrow.

I may be wrong but I think Mother’s Day is especially hard for Homer. More so because they had that bond of Homer being the Mother’s Day Blessing for my mother. Thinking about it makes me choke up a little bit. It was what my mother always said about my little sis and it was more than true.

We find ourselves on edge, reacting far more emotionally than we usually do. For those of you who haven’t lost your mom, it’s hard to describe how things creep up on you. Recently, I ate my Mom’s recommendation for comfort food.

I was tired, drowning under an increased workpile, feeling like I’m never going to get it all together, not enough time, trying to decide if I’m going to move forward in a blogging project I’m working on, alternating between fear and an in depth mania to sustain a schedule that I know will be difficult to keep at such a breakneck speed, and I needed to unwind and not feel anything for awhile.

I made my comfort food that she always made me when I was a kid and I was hit with a wave of grief that I cannot explain. I felt if I was drowning in my own soul missing her more than I could ever explain. There is no medication you can take for loss, no quick fix, if you will.

Ten years ago February, my mother died after a hard fight with cancer. Ten years ago Monday, Homer turned 30. Ten years ago, we could barely remember to breath. Ten years ago, we lost our best friend.

I am not alone but I find that only other people who have lost their mothers understand the black hole that we stare in during Mother’s Day. We have to find within ourselves that place where we can focus on the beauty of our relationships with our moms that molded us.

But some of us hit the angries. And when we get there, it’s always startling. It’s most surprising because we think we are over it.

You never get over it.

Never.

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7 responses

10 05 2008
Homer

You always make me cry. You’re writing is always beautiful and on the mark. I love you.

11 05 2008
rachel

Hello,
I am a perfect stranger who happened to stumble across your blog tonight. And I am glad I did. You see I just lost my mom in january due to a hard and long battle with breast cancer. So this is my first mothers day without her and of course on top of everything its my birthday too. I’m not sure how tomorrow/today is going to work (thus my google search for similar stories) but reading your post at least makes me feel a little like I’m not alone. So I guess I’m just saying, thank you for your post…
I hope you can find joy tomorrow. Good luck with the “angries.” =)

Matthew 11:28-30

11 05 2008
GingerSnaps

I get very sad about Father’s Day…in that way I do understand.

Please know that I’m thinking of you today and sending my love your way.

*hugs*

11 05 2008
Ali

Hi, I also am a complete stranger who stumbled across your blog…its funny that i sometimes get so desperate to find someone who understands that I “google” my situation…
I too have lost my mother, just over 10 years ago…I was 16…and in the last month also my grandmother, my mums mum, who I lived with for some of my teenage years after my mothers death….
Mothers Day is always hard, along with my birthday, her birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of her death and occasionally just any old day for no particular reason…STILL…10 years on….But this mother day was even harder as it was the first without both my mother and beloved grandmother…
I read in your blog that you felt like you were drowning in your own soul…I have never heard it described like that, I have never been able to put words to my emotions, but that is exactly it…
The thing about these special days is not only the aching emptiness for that which is gone but the feeling like you are in your own bubble, screaming and no one can hear you. When you look outside of your own world peoples lives go on, they celebrate with their mothers and nothing seems wrong, life goes on for them but you feel like you are trapped in this bubble and nothing will get you out….no-one will understand, no one can understand…it’s a very lonely place….
Anyway, in saying all that, and not meaning to emphasise the sadness or negatives as I am blessed to have the remaining family that I do, but I appreciated what you had to say about your mum…I read some of your other entries and she sounded like a remarkable lady…
God Bless

11 05 2008
Alice

Hi, It’s Lynn’s Mom. I do know how you feel and what you mean by the “angries”. My Mom died the year Lynn was born and I still get that way. Also enjoyed all your Paris pics.

12 05 2008
newscoma

Hi Alice. It always sneaks up on us, doesn’t it? Every year.
Glad you like the photos.

3 06 2008
Star Light, Star Bright… « A Natural Deficiency Of Moral Fiber

[…] Mother’s Day Without A Mother – Newscoma […]

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