News Story Of The Day: Penis Theft

24 04 2008

I’m not lying.

I also did not know this was a problem.

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo‘s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

Well, what does one actually say about a story like this? I’m not sure.

Of course, not to be confused with this kind of theft.

Just saying.

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15 responses

24 04 2008
missybw

Well that’s a novel excuse for einy teeny weiney syndrome. “Really honey, it used to be much bigger until some witch doctor put a hex on it.

24 04 2008
Ginger

So THAT’s what happened to the rest of it…

😉

24 04 2008
Ron

Witch doctors are big fans of the shrunken head; they’re just not too particular about which head they shrink.

24 04 2008
jim voorhies

I have emails I can forward if they’ll publish their addresses….

24 04 2008
LeftWingCracker

Well, that cancels MY trip to the Congo, that’s for damn sure…

24 04 2008
pshaw

Yeah…. that’s the ticket!

24 04 2008
captainkona
24 04 2008
Barry

I thought it was kind of a given that once a man says, “I Do”, that particular piece of their anatomy has been forever stolen…

24 04 2008
Barry

@Captainkona – “You’re next!!!! YOU’RE NEXT!!!!”

24 04 2008
Ron

@Barry – No, you’re thinking of his balls.

24 04 2008
Tommy

They say that any science sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. Maybe there is a perfectly rational (and extremely advanced) reason for penis theft, that we stuck here in the 21st century simply cannot divine. Some kind of Star Trek IV thing where Capt. Kirk and friends have to come back in time to get them, to save the future.

Which is not to say I won’t fight like mad if they come for mine, and that I won’t panic if it starts in Athens, Tennessee. Yeah, that’s a panic offense, I think. I’ll probably hole up with my back in a corner and a slew of guns just in case. Just until it blows over.

24 04 2008
captainkona

@Captainkona – “You’re next!!!! YOU’RE NEXT!!!!”

When they come for Otis, they’d better bring a lot of help…

24 04 2008
captainkona

@Captainkona – “You’re next!!!! YOU’RE NEXT!!!!”

When they come for Otis, they’d better bring a lot of help…

25 04 2008
Sharon Cobb

Open letter to sorcerers.

Will trade you my car in return for you visiting my ex husband.

Thanks in advance for your time.

Sincerely,
Not bitter that cheating husband left me for a home wrecking whore.

PS. May I get a two for one?

8 07 2008
Max Mosely Finds Nazis ‘Unerotic’ « Newscoma

[…] I’m still trying to figure this out. […]

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